Chateau Dietrich

If You Would Like to Hear This Record

Because of various problems with public blogs and rights problems, I have decided to take my blog and convert it to a private email. If you’d like to listen to this album (and more) or any other album I am posting here, just send me your email address at radiovickers1@gmail.com and I will put you on my list. Along with this album, I have a gigantic archive of my vinyl digitizations that gets added to every week. I do them myself and de-click them. Most sound pretty darned good, if I do say so myself.
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Saturday, November 9, 2013

THE ADVENTURES OF JIMMY NEUTRON - BOY GENIUS - Granny Baby (the original script)


Writing Jimmy Neutron was a lot of fun.  This is the first pass of the script.  Usually, the comedy police come in and take everything that's funny out of your draft.  Luckily, that wasn't the case with this show.  This was also our first 3D animation project and it took a little getting used to.  This was from the early days of the technology.  Characters couldn't hold each other's hands, change clothes (the still can't) and llamas couldn't sit down. (I'm not kidding)  The models they had for Carl's favorite animal were designed to stand and that was it.  

 


THE ADVENTURES OF JIMMY NEUTRON:  BOY GENIUS

Granny Baby

First Draft

FADE IN:

INT. FRONT HALL – DAY

3 or 4 SUITCASES by the back door.  HUGH takes some preparatory weightlifter breaths, bending to lift them.

          JUDY (OS)
Oh no you don’t, Mister Muscles!

JUDY looks disapprovingly on.

          JUDY
If you hurt your back lifting those you’ll be no use to me tonight on our third honeymoon when I want all the hotel room furniture rearranged.

JIMMY and Goddard stand by the cases.

          JIMMY
Goddard!  Fork-lift!

Goddard’s lower jaw lowers to the floor like a forklift, scoops up the cases, backs up – BEEPING - and trundles the cases out the door.

          JIMMY
Don’t couples usually go on second honeymoons?

          JUDY
We had one of those but thanks to a certain young genius and his Forgetto-Blaster it was wiped out of our brains.

          JIMMY
Oh yeah.

          JUDY
Along with the entire fifth year of our marriage.

INT. KITCHEN – DAY (FLASHBACK)

The Neutrons, looking dazed and brain-dead, are shown around the kitchen by Jimmy, holding his FORGETTO-BLASTER.  As if to a 2-year-old:

          JIMMY
And this... is toast.

          HUGH
Toast.

Hugh puts his foot through the toast like Frankenstein putting on a pair of pants.

INT. FRONT HALL – DAY

Hugh chuckles at the memory.

          HUGH
I just hope to darnation we didn’t have any other children.

          JIMMY
Da-a-ad!  I woulda told you that!

          JUDY
You told us your allowance was four thousand dollars a week.

Jimmy flashes a busted smile.

EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY

Minutes later, at the car, packed for the trip.  Judy writes on a slip of paper for Jimmy.

          JUDY
If you need us here’s where we’re staying:  Wild Animal Land, in the Dead Zebra Carcass Suite.  Granny Neutron’s coming over while we’re gone.

          JIMMY
Mo-o-om!  Don’t you remember my theorem proving mathematically I don’t need anyone to watch me?

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

Jimmy stands before a blackboard full of equations, which all boil down to the last line, “∑ a2 babysitter.”  He concludes, triumphantly:

          JIMMY
... ergo, “Sigma Alpha-squared” does not equal babysitter!

Judy and Hugh sit with their bound copies of the theorem.

          HUGH
The math does seem to be in order.

EXT. DRIVEWAY / FRONT LAWN – DAY

          JUDY
She’s not watching you, you’re watching her.  She’s an old lady who’s been through a lot, even if you don’t include raising your father -

On the lawn Hugh pretends to be a tiger snapping at a BUTTERFLY.

          HUGH
Grrr!  I’m a wild tiger!  Snap!

          JUDY
- so don’t try any more of your tonics or crazy brain rays on her.

          JIMMY
Whatever do you mean?

Jimmy pushes a button on his belt.  A metal HALO raises from his collar over his head.  Judy pushes it back down.

          JUDY
Don’t play Mister Innocent with me!   At her age the last thing you want, besides an overabundance of cheese in your diet, is excitement.

With a screeching of tires a CAB hurtles down the street and careens to a stop against the Neutron’s trash cans.  GRANNY NEUTRON gets out of the driver’s seat and addresses the terrified CABBIE cowering in the back.

          GRANNY
Told ya I could get here from the airport in under fifty cents!

She flicks two coins in the window and goes to the cab trunk.

          GRANNY
Jimmy, you tote my clothes...

She hands Jimmy a small valise.

          GRANNY
... and Hugh, you carry my pills, syrups, salves, serums, girdles, ointments, medical devices and miscellaneous supports.

She takes 4 BIG cases from the trunk and drops them in Hugh’s arms.  CRACK!  his back goes out.  Judy shakes her head.

          JUDY
Tst tsk.  Sounds like the 5th cervical vertebra again.

EXT. DRIVEWAY – DAY

TIGHT ON Hugh’s face, trying to be brave and reassuring.

          HUGH
I’m sure I’ll be okay by the time we get there, Sweetie-Doodles.

The car lurches; Judy drives away.  Hugh is stretched on the roof, roped to a back-support board.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Jimmy (holding a cookie) turns to the cases in the living room.  From one of them he gingerly half-lifts A DEVICE with bolts, straps, elastic bands.

          JIMMY
Why do you need all these weird contraptions?

Jimmy takes a bite of his cookie, not looking as Goddard’s eyes pop WIDE and his SCREEN flips out, playing a pre-record:

ON GODDARD’S SCREEN (FISH-EYE):  Granny rambles:

          GRANNY (b.g.)
... some mornings my bones pop like a fat guy diving onto bubble wrap!  Then there’s this thing dangling from the back of my knee...

ON THE SCREEN Jimmy leans close and whispers a memo to himself:

          JIMMY
“Urgent Reminder:  never ask Granny about her health!”

BUT BACK IN THE ROOM it’s too late:

          GRANNY
Why do I need ‘em?  If it wasn’t for those supports I’d be touching the ground in eight places!  Lemme tell you about my bursitis...

Jimmy stands with one bite out of his cookie, mouth open.

FLIP TO:

EXT. NEUTRON HOUSE - NIGHT

Establishing that night.

          GRANNY (OS)
... my osteotometrist says I’ve got something called Pauntlett of Scrugg...

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Jimmy listens to his Granny, his mouth still open over the uneaten cookie.

                        GRANNY
... I’ll spare ya the details but it has to be emptied of Scrugg twice a month.  And there’s a hair in my ear they think might go right through to my foot.

She pulls A HAIR in her ear – up and down, up and down - and her foot lifts and falls.  Jimmy stares in open-mouthed horror.

INT. JIMMY’S ROOM - NIGHT

Jimmy lies awake in bed, with Goddard lying on his feet in a metal nightcap.  Jimmy sighs.  On his nightstand, next to a photo of his parents, is a framed photo of Granny when she was YOUNG.

          JIMMY
Age is a cruel thing, Goddard.  In a short 65 years you completely lose your ability to tell when people want you to stop talking.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Downstairs, Granny keeps going.

          GRANNY
And my eyesight!  I can’t even see things I hit in the car any more, I only hear ‘em scream.

REVEAL she’s talking to a DUMMY of Jimmy, also holding a cookie to its open mouth.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Inspiration!  Jimmy picks up the photo.

          JIMMY
I bet if I made her young again she’d stop complaining.  What a perfect opportunity to try my Anti-Ageing Tonic on a willing human subject without her knowing.
      (remembers)
But I promised mom I wouldn’t experiment on Granny.  Especially after that time I made her magnetic.

EXT. DRIVEWAY – DAY (FLASHBACK)

Granny stands with her bags at the curb, with Jimmy’s parents.

          GRANNY
I had a wonderful tiiiiiiii - !

A BUS goes by.  Granny flies up and sticks to it.  It drives away with her splayed on the side like a fridge magnet.

INT. JIMMY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Pondering this, Jimmy orders Goddard:

          JIMMY
Analyze mother’s exact warning, with subprogram search for potential loopholes.

Goddard’s oscilloscope re-traces Judy’s words “don’t try any more of your tonics or crazy brain rays on her” and PRINTS something out.  Jimmy rips it off and reads:

          JIMMY
“A: She wasn’t talking to me.”  Not bad.  “B:  She was joking.”  Mom never jokes.  “C:  She was talking about my other Granny.”
     (Bingo!)
Perfect!

INT. JIMMY’S LAB - DAWN

A bleary-eyed Jimmy naps on a lab table.  Some flasks boil over heaters, with a 3-D MOLECULE rotating on the monitor above them.  The molecule on the monitor FLASHES RED:  finished!  A mechanical ARM comes out and taps Jimmy’s shoulder, awakening him.

A small flask at the end of this process upends a few CCs of glowing fluid into a test tube.  Jimmy grabs it.

          JIMMY
She’s awfully old, I hope this is enough.

INT. HALLWAY – DAY

Jimmy runs down the hall with the Youth Tonic.  HOLD ON a framed print of “American Gothic” on the wall; it gets a few drops of the Youth Tonic sloshed on it as Jimmy runs by.  The farmer and his wife morph into a yuppy-handsome YOUNG MAN and WOMAN.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Granny sits across from the Jimmy Dummy, trying to open a small bottle, as the real Jimmy enters with the Tonic behind his back.

          GRANNY
Good morning.
     (points to the dummy)
I was just telling you over there about my deviated spatchum.  On cold mornings it rattles like the Tin Man throwing up a hoagie full of wood screws.

          JIMMY
What’s in the bottle?

          GRANNY
Tongue De-Furrer.  Your tongue gets furry when you’re old. 

INT. OTHER LIVING ROOM – DAY (FLASHBACK)

PAN UP Granny’s sleeping body on a couch.

          GRANNY (OS)
Sometimes I wake up and the cat’s chewing on it.

Reaching her head:  The CAT paws languidly at Granny’s tongue.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Jimmy helpfully offers:

          JIMMY
Let me open that for you.

Jimmy takes the bottle, turns his back - and when he turns back granny’s medicine is GLOWING and his flask is empty.

          JIMMY
I think you’ll feel much better – and quieter - after you drink this.

She up-ends it and smacks her lips distastefully.

          GRANNY
Tastes funny.  Of course, what do I know – after sixty your sense of taste completely disapp-

KA-ZING!  She disappears, leaving just a pile of clothes on the armchair.

          JIMMY
Granny?!

There’s a LUMP under her dress.  A diapered BABY crawls out.

          JIMMY
Granny!  You’re a babe!

          GRANNY BABY
You shoulda seen me at 16.  When I walked down a beach lifeguards swallowed their whistles.

          JIMMY
No, I mean you’re really a babe.

Goddard turns one shiny metal side to her.  She sees her reflection and gasps.

          GRANNY BABY
Holy ga-ga.

          JIMMY
This isn’t good.
     (puzzled)
Where’d you get the diaper?

          GRANNY BABY
I was already wearing it.  Waaaaa!  I need my blankie!

          JIMMY
No problem!  3-D modeler!

A DEVICE like a steroidal laser printer raises from the floor.

          JIMMY
Import generic security blanket design and output using couch cushion material.

The device vacuums the cover off a couch cushion, screams like a dot-matrix printer and spits out a BLANKIE.  Jimmy hands it to Granny.

          GRANNY BABY
I need my binkie!

          JIMMY
No problem!  Import binkie prototype and output using rubber from dad’s shoes.

The device sucks in a LOAFER, whirrs and spits out a PACIFIER.

          GRANNY BABY
I need my didie changed.

SHOCK ZOOM on Jimmy.

          JIMMY
Problem. 
     (inspiration)
Goddard!

ANGLE ON Goddard, who really doesn’t want to change a diaper.  Goddard’s FRONT LEGS FALL OFF.  He smiles sheepishly.

          GODDARD
Sorry.

          GRANNY BABY
Change me NOW!

          JIMMY
     (to Goddard)
Who can change a diaper?

Goddard’s screen shows:  an icon of a NURSE.

          JIMMY
I don’t know any nurses.

On screen:  icon of his MOTHER.

          JIMMY
No way.  I love and respect Mom far too much to let her know I disobeyed her

3rd icon:  CINDY!

Jimmy swallows and looks out the window.  HIS POV:  CINDY runs a garage sale in her driveway:  racks of clothes, open boxes.

          JIMMY
Uh-uh, no way no how!  I’d rather die than ask Cindy for a favor!

          GRANNY BABY
So change me yourself.

          JIMMY
Then again, some things are worse than death.

EXT. CINDY’S DRIVEWAY – DAY

The garage sale in progress:  “CINDY & LIBBY YARD SALE.”  CINDY and LIBBY are at the folding table with the cash box.

          LIBBY
I’m starving.  Could I take my half of the profits and get a fajita?

          CINDY
Libby, Number One we haven’t sold anything.  Number Two, whereas my family has provided fifteen years of priceless heirlooms for the delectation of our customers, the only thing you brought to the Cindy And Libby Yard Sale...

Cindy holds up an unclothed fat doll with one arm missing and a raggedy piece of blue cloth.

          CINDY
... was a fat broken doll and a handkerchief with two holes in it.

          LIBBY
I’ll have you know that handkerchief has great sentimental value.

          CINDY
Why, did your great-grandfather blow his nose in it?

          SHEEN (OS)
Hey!

SHEEN stands up inside the cardboard box he’s been rummaging through, a bra on his head.

          SHEEN
You got any UltraLord game cartridges?

          CINDY
No.

          SHEEN
Any UltraLord soundtrack CDs in quadraphonic Smash-O Sound?

          CINDY & LIBBY
No. 

          SHEEN
Any UltraLord movie-themed recreational clothing?

          CINDY
Do I look like the kind of pathetic self-deluded dweeb-case who’d have any UltraLord anything?

          SHEEN
You mean it’s at the bottom?
     (looks down)
ULTRALORRRRR... !
     (reads the label)
naw, ultralarge sweat pants.

Sheen dives back down into the box.  Jimmy walks over hiding Granny behind his back, nervous.  Cindy scowls.

          CINDY
What are you doing here? 

          JIMMY
Fine, thanks.  So, say!  Great stuff!  Aaaaaa, I was wondering where your mom is.

          LIBBY
At the Five-and-Dime buying more cheap stuff she can pretend she’s sacrificing at bargain prices.

          CINDY
She is not!
     (to Jimmy)
Why?

          JIMMY
I need some help with –
     (no way around it)
this.

He thrusts Granny/Baby forward.  The girls qvell.

          CINDY & LIBBY
Ooooooo!  Ahhhhhhhhhh!
     (then; sniffing)
Ewwwwww!  Ahhhhhhhhgh!

They back off.

          JIMMY
I think she might need changing. 

The girls wave their hands in front of their faces.

          LIBBY
What was your first clue?

          JIMMY
So you’ll do it?

          CINDY
As much as I detest helping smug pseudo-brainiacs, my nurturing female instincts will not let me leave a helpless infant in your care.  Where’s the new diaper?

          JIMMY
What’s wrong with the one she’s wearing?

Libby laughs.  Cindy can’t believe Jimmy’s that dumb.

          CINDY
It’s full of POO!  I thought you were a genius!

          GRANNY BABY
Hey he’s a guy.

Cindy and Libby are shocked.

          LIBBY
She talked.

          JIMMY
Cindy, Libby; granny Neutron.

          CINDY
You turned your own grandmother into a baby??

          JIMMY
I have a loophole, I mean an explanation!  This could have happened to anyone with a genius I.Q. and access to unstable chemicals!

          GRANNY BABY
Could we hurry up?  I’m teething and I’m getting dizzy from my own fumes here.

          CINDY
How long is she going to be a baby? 

          JIMMY
I’m not sure. 

          CINDY
Well how many diapers do we need?

Granny makes a pooting sound.

          GRANNY BABY
I’d err on the side of hundreds.

Jimmy hands over some cash and a piece of paper.

          JIMMY
So, great!  So here’s some money and a list of things I need for the antidote, I’ll see you when you get back from the store.

          CINDY
Oh no you don’t.

Jimmy turns to high-tail it but Cindy grabs him back. 

          CINDY
Libby, you run the yard sale while Doctor Spock and I go shop.

          LIBBY
But I’m hungry!

Cindy, Jimmy and Granny go off.  HOLD ON the box Sheen is in.

          SHEEN (OS)
UltraLords’s nose!  No it’s just my elbow.

PAN BACK to Libby, who says to a YOUNG WOMAN eating from a box of fries and examining a bedroom lamp.

          LIBBY
That’ll be two dollars. 
     (inspiration!)
Or... I’ll trade you for those curly fries.

INT. STORE – DAY

Jimmy picks up bottles of DANGEROUS CHEMICALS (labeled as such).  Cindy looks at a shelf, carrying Granny, who holds a rattle.

ANGLE on Cindy and Granny.

          GRANNY BABY
I’m bored!  Pull a funny face and let me hit you with the rattle.

          CINDY
No.

In the b.g. some adults look in their direction.

          JIMMY
Granny, quiet. 

Carl comes around a corner holding a soda.

          CARL
Hey Jimmy!  I was just buying this soda to trade with Libby for a CD rack and - whose weird-looking baby?

          JIMMY
Uhhhhh Cindy’s!

          CINDY
Is not!

          GRANNY BABY
Hey farm boy!  I’d check your reflection in the wienie rotator before ya call someone weird-looking.

          CARL
Did that baby talk?

          JIMMY
Shh!  No!

          CARL
Did you invent it?  Hey everybody my friend invented a talking baby!

Curious PEOPLE gather in the aisle.  Jimmy sees them.

          JIMMY
Carl’s imagining things.  Everyone knows babies can’t talk.

          GRANNY BABY
That’s right, cos if we could the Videotubbies’d be cancelled so quick it’d make their head aerials spin.

ANGLE ON the faces of the amazed crowd.

EXT. STREET – DAY

5 minutes later, Jimmy and Cindy run from the clamoring mob.  Cindy carries Granny Baby and the diapers.  Jimmy carries a bag of stuff.

          GRANNY BABY
Slow down, I need to be (BUUUUURP) never mind.
         
BEHIND THEM, on CROWD MEMBER # 1, running, with a camera.

     CROWD MEMBER # 1
Someone call that reality show, World’s Most Amazing Infants Who Weren’t Eaten On “When Pets Attack”!

BACK ON JIMMY, running with his store purchases. 

          JIMMY
Luckily I’ve got 36 hours to make the antidote before my parents return.

RING RING! - his cell phone.

          JIMMY
Hello.

INT. NEUTRON’S CAR – DAY (TRAVELING)

Judy drives home alone.

          JUDY
Honey it’s mom, I’m coming home.

          JIMMY (OS, phone)
No!  I mean, great.  I mean why?

          JUDY
Oh your father was plucked off his safari mule by a mother eagle and I need my Wounded Lamb Puppet to distract her so he can avoid being fed to her ravenous nestlings.

EXT. JIMMY’S STREET – DAY

Jimmy and Cindy and Granny run.

          JIMMY  (into phone)
Could it wait a coupla days?

          JUDY (OS phone)
Time’s of the essence, honey; eaglets eat their weight in your father every day.  See you and Granny soon.

HOLD ON the Vortex residence as Jimmy and Cindy run by.  Almost all Cindy’s stuff is GONE.  Libby has the remains of a huge MEAL on the folding table in front of her:  dessert, fruit, chicken bones.  She tells a browsing customer:

          LIBBY
Sorry, that’s not for sale, I’m stuffed.

The CROWD runs by.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Jimmy madly throws ingredients from the store bag into some beakers on the coffee table.  Cindy looks out the window.

          CROWD (OS)
We want the talking baby!
We want the talking baby!

          JIMMY
Goddard!  Compare antidote completion with mother’s return time!

Goddard calculates then says:

          GODDARD
Your butt is grass.

          GRANNY BABY
I’m bored!  Can’t someone go
     (fingers between lips)
blrblblr! or pretend to eat my toes?

Sheen runs in, accusing Cindy:

          SHEEN
Aha!  You said you didn’t have any Ultralord toys; what do you call this?

He produces a one-armed DOLL with a blue handkerchief tied over its face like a mask, the holes serving as eyeholes.

          CINDY
Libby’s doll with her handkerchief over its head.

          SHEEN
Wrong!  It’s UltraLord from the episode where he disguised himself as a Sumo Wrestler.

          CINDY
When exactly did Libby tell you that?

          SHEEN
When she saw my ice cream sandwich.

          CINDY
It’s a doll.

          SHEEN
It’s UltraLord!

          CINDY
Doll!

          SHEEN
UltraLord!

Cindy grabs the string in the doll’s back and pulls it out.

          THE DOLL
Give me a cuddle.

          CINDY
Is there something about UltraLord we should know?

          SHEEN
That’s to make the enemy drop their guard before he pile-drives his fists into their evil larynxes.

          CINDY
     (to Sheen)
You are a pathetic delude-o.

          JIMMY
A doll!  That’s it! 
    (re: antidote, to Cindy)
As soon as that turns blue pour it in a baby bottle and bring it outside!

He grabs Granny and her empty DRESS and runs out.

EXT. FRONT LAWN – DAY

Jimmy stands in front of the rapt camera-toting crowd with Granny in his arms. 

          JIMMY
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the amazing talking baby!

          CROWD
Oooooh!

He looks down the street; his mom’s car TURNS THE CORNER.

ANGLE:  Jimmy pulls a talking doll-type STRING rigged to Granny’s back.  He WINDS IT UP with his hidden fingers.  She recites:

          GRANNY BABY
Give me a cuddle.  And a diaper change while you’re at it.

          CROWD MEMBER # 1
There’s a string in her back! 

          JIMMY
Oh no I have been found out!

          CROWD MEMBERS
Fake! / It’s a doll! / Let’s go back to our humdrum lives.

The crowd leaves.  Jimmy is relieved.  Cindy walks out and grudgingly hands Jimmy a baby bottle full of BLUE LIQUID.

          CINDY
Here.  Anything else you’d like?  Your slippers and a pipe maybe?

Jimmy stuffs the bottle in Granny’s mouth and throws her DRESS over her.  SPROING! Granny’s standing there normal-sized, in her dress, as the family car pulls in the driveway and Judy gets out.

          JIMMY
Hi mom!  Nothing unusual here, just me and Granny, obeying all your rules, yes ma’am!

CAWING, OFF, and WHAM!  Hugh falls on the roof of the family car. 

          HUGH
Oof!

          JUDY
Hugh!  There you are!
    (checks her watch)
If we race back we’ve got just enough time to catch the early-bird honeymoon buffet.

          HUGH
     (stunned, scared)
B-b-bird?

Judy gets back in and DRIVES OFF with Hugh still on the roof. 

          CINDY
I’d love to stay and help you narrowly avoid even more consequences of your stupid actions but Libby just traded my parents’ china cabinet for an antacid.  Libbyyyyy!

Across the street:  Almost all the sale items are GONE.  A couple carries a china cabinet away.  Libby looks sick.

NEUTRON LAWN:  Carl runs up, panting and sweaty, holding COINS.

          CARL
Jimmy you forgot your change.  I ran all the way from the store, and... oh I forgot my soda. 
         
          GRANNY
Drink this.

Granny hands Carl the baby bottle.

          JIMMY
No!

ON JIMMY as we hear a SPROING!  Feebly:

          JIMMY
Carl!  You okay?

ANGLE:  Carl, bottle to lips, has turned into HIS FATHER.

          OLD MAN CARL
My eyes hurt, my hair’s gone, and I have a powerful urge to dance badly!

          GRANNY
I’ll take a piece of that!

Granny kicks Goddard, a SPEAKER comes out of the dog’s head and as DISCO blasts and Granny and OLD CARL boogie on the Neutrons’ lawn...

          JIMMY
I’ll go get a bucket for your Scrugg.

He sighs and heads inside as Sheen steps outside, boogeying.

FADE OUT.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Bailey of the Commonwealth


I wrote this Sci-fi script awhile back.  It seemed to me that there hadn’t been anything like it on television.  I would love to see some one like Robbie Coltrane as Bailey.  If anyone knows Mr. Coltrane, perhaps they could hand it on to him. 
Your feedback would be of real interest.
Thanks.

The series takes place on a broken down interplanetary freighter that's been converted into a floating courtroom.  It travels the outer-galaxy dispensing justice to worlds that don't have it and for the most part don't want it.  The inhabitants of the freighter don't necessarily want it either, with one nettlesome exception.
Bailey is an irascible defense attorney who defends every case to the bitter end despite the enormous political and economic pressures to plea bargain.  He’s smelly, rude and intemperate but he will risk his life, and often does, for his client.
His only allies are a young, idealistic assistant, a strange alien man-servant thing and throng of former clients who are afraid to go back to their home planets who’ve formed a refugee camp in the bowels of the spaceship. 





Bailey of the Commonwealth


EXT. SPACE – THE JUSTICE (OPTICAL)

We see a large unimpressive space craft moving lumpishly through the star-speckled blackness.  This is no sleek fighter.  It’s a huge asymmetrical monstrosity that looks like it might fall apart at any minute.  The name of the ship, “JUSTICE” is painted along its side.

As the camera pans the craft’s enormity we see a smaller craft disappearing into its docking area.

INT. JUSTICE DOCKING BAY – DAY

The SMALL SHUTTLE we just saw entering the ship has now landed and is steaming in a huge hangar area.  Technical personnel in space suits run about.  12 heavily armed guards wait at the alert as the Shuttle portal is opened.

INT. SPACE DOCK VIEWING ROOM – DAY

There is a portly, disheveled man staring through the big pane of glass into the Docking Bay.  This is DARWIN CRESSWELL BAILEY, the PUBLIC DEFENDER of the Justice. 

Bailey watches appraisingly as an alien is led out in chains.  The alien is a Pesok, an incredibly ferocious looking fellow.  He snarls at the guards who roughly escort him away.

A well dressed, man in his 40’s behind Bailey tut-tuts.

          BAILEY
I take it you don’t approve of our new guest.

The man behind Bailey is SEDGEWICK, the LEAD PROSECUTOR on the Justice.

          SEDGEWICK
The quicker we get this case finished and that bastard executed, the better off we’ll all be.

          BAILEY
Well, if it’s going to piss you off that much Sedgewick...I’m going to have to save his life.

Bailey turns and walks away from the outraged Sedgewick as snottily as possible.

INT. AIRPORT – DAY

The airports of the future look very much like the airports of our present.  The only difference is that we see interplanetary craft out on the tarmac instead of airplanes.

They have the same shitty plastic chairs, except the asses parked uncomfortably in them belong to Alien Creatures as well as humans.  And none of them look any happier to be there than modern day man does.

Other travelers mill about and run for ships they’ll never catch.  Out of this bustling throng walks ABBY DURANT, 23.  She looks very nervous as she walks up to the counter in front of gate 93C.  Nobody is sitting in her section.  This does not escape Abby’s notice.  She manages a wan smile to the bored elderly woman behind the counter.

          ABBY
Excuse me?  Am I in the right place?

          WOMAN
I guess that depends where you’re going, doesn’t it?

          ABBY
  (looking at her ticket)
This is definitely the gate they wrote down at the ticketing counter.

          WOMAN
You Abby Durant?

          ABBY
 (somewhat surprised)
Why, yes I am.

The woman stamps the ticket roughly.

          WOMAN
You got the right place.  Have a seat.

Abby looks over her amazing choice of places to sit.

          ABBY
But where are all the other passengers.

          WOMAN
This is a supply ship. You are the other passengers.

          ABBY
I’m going three trillion miles into space by myself?!

          WOMAN
On the bright side, we won’t run out of the in-flight meal.

INT. JUSTICE HALLWAY – DAY

A still irate Sedgewick follows after the joyfully-ignoring-him, Bailey.

          SEDGEWICK
This...”animal” slaughtered and ate his own wife and child.  You think that’s funny?

          BAILEY
Partially ate.  Anyway, I don’t know anything till I’ve talked to my client.

          SEDGEWICK
Look at him!  You’ll be lucky if he doesn’t eat you.

          BAILEY
Why Sedgewick, my dear fellow, you care.  You’ll be asking me to dance next.

Bailey stops at a large metal door with a very ferocious soldier from the planet Tazig standing guard.  Unlike the marvelous disappearing doors on Star Trek, the door on the justice look like they belong on a submarine.  Sedgewick is getting more and more annoyed.

          SEDGEWICK
 This...”thing” is going to die!

Bailey nods and Mutfak opens the huge door. 

EXT. THE BOWELS - DAY

We are near the ceiling of the massive belly of the ship.  In days gone by, this vast filthy expanse contained enormous cargos.  Now it contains people that no planet will take.  It looks like what a Dickensian slum would look like in 2317. 

          BAILEY
I find your point of view on this absolutely fascinating.  Would you like to come in for a drink and discuss your misgivings about our justice system further?

          SEDGEWICK
Damn you, Bailey!

With this, the indignant prosecutor storms off to his more opulent quarters.

          BAILEY
That’s a very good possibility.
  (to guard)
Anything interesting happen while I was gone?

The Mutfak hands him a severed arm.

          BAILEY
Oh dear.  I’ll see if I can find out who it belongs to.

Bailey goes inside the door which is quickly slammed behind him. 

INT. THE BOWELS - DAY

There to meet him is Spackle.  A weaseley looking creature.  He has a squeaky sort of voice and always sounds like he’s trying to sell you something. 

          SPACKLE
Tired boss?  Want sex with girl?  Spackle get real cheap...Free!

They amble along a fire-escape-type walkway.  There are a series of fire-escape walkways and stairs going down about a thousand feet.  People, animals and open fires seem to be on every level.

Bailey hands Spackle the arm.

          BAILEY
Get this back to the rightful owner will you, Spackle?

Spackle sniffs it.

          SPACKLE
Smell like Drogon.  Spackle get it back. 
  (terribly fake surprise)
Say!  Look who here.  Smorl.

Standing near the steps is a hooker that looks like the elephant man with tits.  She smiles coquettishly.

          BAILEY
Ever so pleased to meet you again Smorl, but I’m afraid I have to get some rest.  I’m interviewing a new associate in three hours.

Bailey walks past her and down the stairway.  Spackle shrugs as he goes past a rather nonplussed young lady.  She slaps him on the back of the head as he sneaks by.

INT. SUPPLY SHIP – DAY

Abby is now having second thoughts about her choice of employment.  She is trying to hold back the tears as the Belizian air hostess serves her a beverage.


          BELIZIAN
If you don’t mind me saying so, you don’t look like you really want this job.

          ABBY
I don’t.  But my grades weren’t good enough to get a job on Earth.

          BELIZIAN
How about Rensard and Tulk?

Getting more upset.

          ABBY
Nope, I tried.  Too low.

          BELIZIAN
Too low for Rensard and Tulk?

Abby starts to cry.

          ABBY
So, I had to take this job on a court ship.

          BELIZIAN
Wow I’m sorry.  Listen, I’m not supposed to do this but...
  (she looks around)
Here, take these.

The Belizian hands Abby a fist full of little liquor bottles.

INT. BAILEY’S OFFICE – DAY

Bailey’s inner-sanctum looks like the world’s messiest library.  Books and dust fill just about all the available space.  An ancient worm-eaten desk litters the center of the room.  We can hear stentorian snoring coming from close by.

An aproned Spackle is giving everything a good roughing up with his duster.  Large pothers plume up with every vigorous feathery swipe.  Bailey’s snoring turns to sputtering as if something large has just been sucked into his gaping maw.


          SPACKLE
Spackle clean.  All clean for Boss.  Dusty, dusty, gone, gone.

Bailey comes into the room looking even more disheveled that before.

          BAILEY
What the hell are you doing?

Spackle continues to move the dust from one part of the room to the other.

          SPACKLE
Clean Boss.  Lady come.  Ladies like clean, clean.

Bailey takes a pocket watch out of his rumpled suit jacket.

          BAILEY
Well, if you don’t go greet her flight, she’ll be too dead to appreciate how homey it is in here.

Spackle looks at his own brightly colored watch.

          SPACKLE
Yikes!!  Spackle late!

INT. SUPPLY SHIP – DAY

The Belizian is standing over Abby’s seat.

          BELIZIAN
Are you all right?

Abby sits up.  She looks like she just ate a half a pound of butter.

          BELIZIAN
If you haven’t done it before, space flight and alcohol probably aren’t a good mix.

Abby wipes her sick, damp face with a handkerchief.

          ABBY
Unfortunately, you’re about 2 ½ hours of hell late with your warning.

          BELIZIAN
Well, nevermind, we’re going to be docking in five minutes.

Abby turns quickly and looks out of the portal.

Abby’s P.O.V. of The Justice through the portal.

It doesn’t look any better than the first time we saw it.

          ABBY (crestfallen)
My God, it’s a shit heap!

          BELIZIAN
Wait till you see the inside.

INT. JUSTICE PRISON CELL – DAY

The Pesok is not taking to his new surroundings very well at all.  He snarls and rips the bed from the wall and throws it towards camera.

It hits a pain of glass and falls as we pull out to reveal:

INT. JUSTICE PRISON CELL VIEWING ROOM – DAY

Sedgewick, Judge Mog and Falon, the High Ambassador Of Velsat look on with equal amounts of disgust.

Judge Mog is a Djalan.  They are a darkish race with shar-pei-like skin.  He wears a big hood to protect his huge eyes from the light.

The people of Velsat are all exceptionally pretty and delicate.  They don’t look like they’ve gone through puberty.  They wear a-sexual toga-type outfits.

          SEDGEWICK
What an incredible savage.

          FALON
I don’t know what that poor woman saw in this beast...You’ve seen the photographs of her and her child...

          JUDGE MOG
Most disturbing.

          FALON
This horrendous crime must be punished.  The People of Velsat are screaming for those poor people’s lives to be avenged.

          JUDGE MOG
The Commonwealth is absolutely committed to seeing that justice is done, High Ambassador.

A tray of food and tankard of water smash against the viewing window.

          FALON
Just make sure for all our sakes that it doesn’t take too long.

Judge Mog turns and looks meaningfully at Sedgewick.

          SEDGEWICK
I’ll see if I can work out a plea bargain with the old rum pot.

INT. JUSTICE HALLWAY – DAY

Abby stands nervously in front Mutfak who inspects her papers.

          MUTFK
Are you sure you really want to go in there, miss?

          ABBY
I have an appointment.  A job interview...why what’s in there.

The guard opens the door.  The Bowels stretch out before her in all their squalid glory.

          ABBY
Oh dear...

          MUTFAK
I wouldn’t go in there without a heavily-armed guide.

Abby in the doorway now, looking like she wants to take the next three trillion mile ride back to Earth.

          ABBY
But where would I get a...

Spackle’s face shoots up an inch from Abby’s.  She practically shits a television set.

          SPACKLE
Spackle here!

          ABBY
Ahhhh!

          SPACKLE
Spackle take you to Boss.  Come. Come. 

Spackle grabs Abby by the hand and starts to pull the stunned woman into...

INT. THE BOWELS – DAY

Abby has a hard time taking in what she’s seeing.   Spackle carries on blathering.

          SPACKLE
You see, pretty lady.  Place real clean.  Spackle clean it.  He clean for pretty lady.

Criminal sorts and mutants of all kinds stare at Abby like she was a Christmas present just begging to be opened.  She is quickly pulled past them though by an unnoticing Spackle.

INT. BAILEY’S OFFICE – DAY

Bailey is talking on the only modern-looking thing in the whole office, a speaker phone device.  He has a big drink in his hand.

          BAILEY (to speaker)
Honestly, you can’t expect me to plea bargain before I’ve even talked to my client.

          SEDGEWICK (O/S)
Be reasonable, Bailey.  You’ve seen him.  What doubt could there be?  You’ll be saving him from a horrific death.

          BAILEY (to speaker)
And damning him to a really nice one?

          SPACKLE (O/S)
Boss!  Boss!

          BAILEY (to speaker)
Excuse me Sedgewick, but someone I actually want to talk to has just arrived.

Before any protests can be made, Bailey pushes the button on the speaker phone and the light goes out.  Spackle, still pulling Abby along by the hand, enters.

          SPACKLE
Here pretty lady, Boss.  Spackle get here, see?  She not dead.

          BAILEY
Thank you, Spackle.  Why don’t you go in the back and rest?

          SPACKLE
Right Boss.  Right.  You have sex with pretty lady.  Spackle go away.  Try not listen.

Spackle gives a big wink to the horrified Abby and leaves.

          BAILEY
You’ll have to excuse him.  He often says exactly what he’s thinking.  It can be a nasty habit at times.
  (to the subject at hand)
So why exactly are you here...
   (he checks the file on his desk)
Miss Durant?

          ABBY
Because I need a job.

          BAILEY
Jobs can be found anywhere. 

He looks down his bulbous nose at his new ward.

          BAILEY
You must have really done something extraordinarily naughty to be condemned to work with me.

          ABBY
My grades weren’t exactly stellar.

          BAILEY
That’s all right.  You don’t need to be bright.  That’s what I’m here for.

          ABBY
Well, they were until I met “Him”.

          BAILEY
Him?

Abby gets more upset as her tale unravels

          ABBY
My ex-asshole boyfriend.  That is he’s my ex-boyfriend.  He’s still an asshole.  I spent so much time looking after him and “servicing” him whenever he was in the mood, which was just about all the goddamn time, and working two jobs so he could live in an apartment that had the right kind of light to paint me naked in, he’s an artist, that things sort of got away from me and then he got away from me, leaving me with no boyfriend and lousy crappy grades.  At first I figured success was the best revenge but then I couldn’t get a job because of my lousy grades so I figured being 3 trillion miles away from a guy who’s forgotten I’m alive would be a sort of revenge but I had a lot of time to think about it while I was throwing up on the way out here and now I’m not so sure.

          BAILEY
Ah, just what we need in the legal profession, another basket case.

Bailey takes a big swig of his drink.  Abby fears she may have revealed too much.

          ABBY
But I am eager and persistent.

          BAILEY
Oh, you don’t need to sell me, my dear.  Anyone foolhardy enough to apply for this job may have it.

          ABBY (on second thought)
Is it dangerous?

          BAILEY
I won a rather hard fought case.  The prosecution though, took exception to losing and proceeded to spray the courtroom with laser fire.  My clerk was killed along with three of the jury.  I ended up having to defend the prosecutor.  Fortunately, that is one case that I lost.  That’s when I put the ad in the paper for a replacement.

          ABBY
How long ago was that?

          BAILEY
Six years.

          ABBY
Oh dear.
           
INT. THE BOWELS – DAY

Bailey and Abby walk through the ad hock streets of The Bowels. Oil drum fires, market booths, women hanging out their ragged washing.  It’s like Blade Runner without the rain.  Abby sticks close to Bailey’s side.

          ABBY
What is this place?

          BAILEY
Do you know what The Commonwealth is, Miss Durant?

          ABBY
According to my second grade school book, it’s a community of planets bonded together for self protection and trade.

          BAILEY
And very prosperous trade it is.

Bailey reaches over a takes a piece of red fruit from one of the venders.  The alien just smiles and waves which is just as well because Bailey has no intention of paying for it.

          BAILEY
Planets like Velsat, rich in raw materials, covet that trade so they sign up to join our little coalition. 

He takes a big bite out of the fruit and continues to talk while chewing.

          BAILEY
But it comes at a price.  They must provide basic humane conditions for its citizenry, environmental standards and most nettlesome of all, the right to a fair trial.

Bailey has decided he doesn’t much like the fruit he’s eating and hands it to a small child sitting next to a grate.  The child smiles and hungrily bites into the remainder.

          BAILEY
Not being able to chop someone’s head off on the spur of the moment has really irked some of our more conservative members.

          ABBY
But surely nobody wants the wrong person executed.

Another vender offers Bailey something that looks like a roasted rat.  Bailey smiles and shakes his head, “No thank you.”

          BAILEY
People with absolute power want what they want.  What they do not want is an examination of the facts or proper legal procedure slowing things up.  But we ram it down their throats anyway and they grudgingly eat it because of...

Bailey says the next word like he’s saying “Dog shit.”

          BAILEY
Money.

An alien that looks like he has leprosy holds up the cigar-like object he’s smoking.  Bailey gladly accepts it and puffs on it as they continue down the shanty-town street.

          BAILEY
That’s why you and I are darting about the galaxy in this rocket-powered piss-pot.  To dole out justice that nobody wants.
   (beat)
But, back to your original question.  This paradise...

Bailey sweeps his arm dramatically about to indicate his wretched kingdom.  His face is obscured by a big cloud of smoke coming out of the end of his “cigar”.

          BAILEY
Is known as The Bowels and it is filled with my former clients.

          ABBY
I don’t understand.

          BAILEY
Thanks to my legal genius and oratory prowess, all these people have been found innocent by a jury of their peers.

          ABBY
But why are they here?

          BAILEY
Because, if they went back to their home planets, their own government or people would kill them anyway.  So they’re forced to live down here in The Bowels until we can find a new home for them.

Bailey throws down his cigar.  Three or four children fight over the last couple of inches.

Abby looks back concerned at the squabbling children.

          ABBY
Was that some sort of tobacco?

          BAILEY
No, it’s a mild narcotic.  It’s put a nice glow on that booze I just drank.  I think it’s time we visited our client.

With that, Bailey starts to climb a stairway. 

CLOSE UP:

A futuristic Video Screen.

A futuristic looking city.  The streets are teeming with protesters. 

We pull out to...

INT. JUDGE MOG’S QUARTERS – DAY

The Judge and Falon stare at the screen.  Falon is particularly upset.

          FALON
The crowds grow bigger by the hour in every major city.  It is chaos.

          JUDGE MOG
We have started talks with the defense.  Based on the facts, I’m sure there is every hope of bringing this to a quick conclusion.

          FALON
Quick?  I want that filth dead!  Every second he lives brings my government closer to ruin.  Your precious Commonwealth is responsible for this.  What are you going to do about it?!

The Judge slams his hand down on his desk communicator.

          JUDGE MOG
Miss Downs!  Get me Mr. Sedgewick, immediately.

INT. JUSTICE HALLWAY – DAY

Bailey strides along with Abby trying to keep pace.

          ABBY
So, do all the lawyers have to live in The Bowels.

          BAILEY
No. Just us.  The other lawyers live in rather nice digs on the upper decks.

          ABBY
Then why do we have to live in that ghastly hellhole?

          BAILEY
We don’t.  But we’d be dead within a week if we didn’t.  Defense lawyers aren’t very popular around this part of the galaxy.  Oh, and don’t eat or drink anything without checking with me first.

Sedgewick comes out of a portal, sweating profusely.  He sees Bailey and quickly gives chase.

          SEDGEWICK
Bailey!  Bailey!  We have to talk.

Bailey keeps walking.

          BAILEY
Later Sedgewick.  I’m on my way to see my client.

          SEDGEWICK
That’s what I want to talk to you about. 

          BAILEY
Have you met my new assistant, Miss Durant?

Sedgewick looks upon this young woman with a combination horror and pity.

          SEDGEWICK
Good God!  Did he tell you what happened to the last one?

Bailey reaches a door and opens it.

          BAILEY
She has been fully apprised.  Now if you’ll excuse us.

          SEDGEWICK
Listen you old fool.  This isn’t about you playing your silly courtroom games.  That planet down there is ready to explode.  Have you seen the evidence against that savage?  Is preserving his life for a week or ten days longer worth the countless innocent lives that could to be lost because of it?

Bailey goes nose to nose with Sedgewick.

          BAILEY
Fortunately, I don’t have to ask myself that question.  The only question I am obligated to ask myself is did I do everything in my power to save my client’s life.  Perhaps they taught you something different in law school.

Bailey pulls Abby through the door and slams it shut.  Sedgewick hesitates and then goes on his way.

INT. PRISON CORRIDOR – DAY

Bailey and Abby follow two guards along a hallway full of large metallic doors.
    
          BAILEY
Dealing with aliens Miss Durant, is different than dealing with people.

          ABBY
I have met aliens before, Mr. Bailey.

          BAILEY
Yes you have.  But on Earth. 
  (beat)
And call me Bailey.  All my friends would if I had any.
   (back to his original thought)
But on Earth they try to fit in and must obey our laws.  Here, we are the aliens and it is incumbent upon us to adapt to their ways. 

They reach the interview room.  There are two pads, one on each side of the door.  Each guard puts a hand on one of the pads.  The door clicks open.  Bailey enters followed by a semi-miffed Abby.

          ABBY
Please give me a little credit...

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM – DAY

Bailey and Abby step inside the small room.  Tragbar is tied to a huge vertical gurney.  He belts out a deafening roar in Abby’s face as she enters.  She screams her head off and almost faints.  Bailey acts like this sort of thing happens everyday.

          BAILEY
You’re off to a fine start there, Miss Durant.  Keep it up.

Abby is too busy backing up towards the door to feel the sting of Bailey’s sarcasm.  Bailey walks up to the Pesok who stands a good two feet taller than him.  Tragbar strains at his strappings as if he’d tear Bailey to pieces if he could just get free. 

          BAILEY
Yes, good afternoon.  I’m Bailey, your court appointed attorney.

More viscous snarls.

          BAILEY
Are you capable of speech or do you do nothing but snarl at people?

From the enraged look on the Tragbar’s face, you can tell that he understands everything Bailey is saying.

          BAILEY
I must say, you don’t leave me much to work with.  I mean look at you.  You’re a monster, a savage.  I could see the fear in the eyes of the guards as they took you off the shuttle.  People in that jury box will believe you capable of any kind of unspeakable act.

This elicits nothing but more deadly stares.

Bailey looks deep into the Tragbar’s eyes.

          BAILEY
Is there anything you can tell me.  Anything at all that will help me save your life?

Tragbar suddenly talks with a voice no less menacing than his looks and disposition.

          TRAGBAR
Do monsters not love their children too?

INT. JUSTICE HALLWAY – DAY

Sedgewick paces nervously in front of the doors to the prison area.

The door swings open and Bailey ambles out.  Sedgewick is on him immediately but Bailey draws the first and only blood.

          BAILEY (smiling)
Sedgewick, there you are.  I have some fantastic news.

          SEDGEWICK
You do?

          BAILEY
Yes, my client in completely innocent.  That always makes my job so much easier.
  (to Abby)
Come along Miss Durant, we have a lot of work to do.

INT. BAILEY’S BAR – NIGHT

This place makes the Bar in Star Wars look like the Polo Lounge.  There is vague music playing in the background.  All kinds of strange-looking embibers mill around.  Apparently there are no anti-smoking rules in this establishment.

Bailey and Abby sit at a wretched table sifting through the not-so-promising facts of their case.

          ABBY
You really think he’s innocent?

          BAILEY
I’m not absolutely positive but I do so like to ruin Sedgewick’s day.

Bailey puts down the piece of paper he’s not really reading and contemplates.

          BAILEY
So, what do we know about this case? 

Abby is a little taken aback by Bailey’s casual study habits.

          ABBY
Haven’t you read all this?
  (indicating masses of paper)
You’re his lawyer!

          BAILEY
I don’t need to know all the facts Miss Durant.  Just the important ones.  Proceed.

Bailey leans back in his chair and closes his eyes and awaits his briefing.

          ABBY
Well, the wife and child were alive at 12:17.  She talked to her mother about shoes.

          BAILEY
Even women don’t usually talk about shoes when they think they’re about to be torn to pieces.

          ABBY
I suppose it’s a little encouraging.

          BAILEY
But the mother hated the marriage and she hated our client.  Refused to even come to the house because of the smell.  She’s going to be a terrible witness.  Continue.

          ABBY
At 12:30 the police get a call about a disturbance at the house.  They show up and 12:42 to find Pretty Boy standing there covered in blood and surrounded by his savagely murdered family.

          BAILEY
But why doesn’t he run?

          ABBY
Too little time?

Bailey opens his eyes and throws a picture of the Tragbar in front of Abby.

          BAILEY
Look at him.  If he did it, they would have already been dead when the complaint was placed.  The Pesok are capable of running 17 miles an hour for almost a day. He could have been a lot further away from those bodies than two feet in eleven minutes.

A corpulent orange-tinged Hiekka walks up to the table with a tray of refreshments.

          BARNOD
Drink, lady?

          ABBY
I don’t think so, thank you.

          BAILEY
Oh, go ahead.  They’re free.  They brew the stuff up in the back.
  (to Barnod)
Put them down, Barnod.  If she doesn’t wish to imbibe, I’m sure I can be persuaded to pick up the slack.
         
Spackle comes into the bar.  He looks around and does a b-line for his master.

          SPACKLE
Boss!  Boss!  You Important letter.

Spackle hands the letter to Bailey.

          BAILEY
What does it say?

          SPACKLE
Spackle no read boss.  He bring.  Spackle no snoop.

          BAILEY
Oh, because I don’t have my reading glasses.

          SPACKLE
It say you get shuttle.  Go planet tomorrow.

Bailey takes his glasses out of his pocket and reads the letter.  Spackle grabs one of the drinks off the table and bolts it down then wipes his lips with his forearm.

          BAILEY
That’s the great thing about Spackle.  He never pries into my personal correspondence, but he’s a very good guesser.

          SPACKLE
Spackle right?  Go to Planet?

          BAILEY
Absolutely amazing. 

Bailey stands up.

          BAILEY
Be a good fellow and drink the rest of these for us, will you Spackle?

          SPACKLE
Oh sure Boss!

Spackle starts tossing the drinks down quickly and messily.

          BAILEY
Come on Miss Durant, we’re going to need our sleep.  I have a feeling it’s going to be a long day tomorrow.

Abby, a little taken aback at the sudden change in itinerary, pauses mid-sip on the drink she’d just been cajoled into ordering.  Spackle takes it out of her hand and downs it.

EXT. THE BOWELS – NIGHT

Weird and dangerous looking people warm themselves by burning oil drums.  Crashes and screams are heard.  Abby tries to keep as close as possible to Bailey, who would be absolutely useless if they were attacked.  A somewhat woozy Spackle staggers along in the rear.

          ABBY
So, in all the rush, I guess we haven’t yet discussed where I’ll be sleeping.

          BAILEY
You’ll be sleeping with me, of course.

Abby stops in her tracks. 

          ABBY
Now listen here old man, I think I’ve been a pretty good sport up until now.  But if you think I traveled to the edge of the galaxy to end up as the sex toy for some ancient, smelly gas bag, then you can go crap up your nose.

Bailey stands in the middle of the street as though he can hardly believe his ears.

          BAILEY
Miss Durant, I am the legend of the Bowels. 

          SPACKLE
Yes.  Legend!   Everyone know Boss.

Spackle trips and falls flat on his face.  The odds are about even as to whether he’ll get up again.

          BAILEY
I need only shout out a request and I could have any woman I wished.  True, some of them are a little long in tooth, some of them have fangs and vomit up this brown stuff when they orgasm, but the point is, if I required a quick hop in the sack, I could have it a lot cheaper and with a lot less complaint elsewhere.  I offered you accommodation out of the kindness of my heart, but if you feel so outraged by it, then I shall take my leave.  Goodnight.

Bailey dramatically swivels on his heel and continues on down the street.  Abby pauses for about a third of a second before she gives chase.

          ABBY
But I don’t understand.  Isn’t separate accommodation provided?

          BAILEY
That is correct.  But the plain fact is, away from me, you’d be raped and possibly worse before you even got your jammies on.

Bailey stops and turns towards her. He indicates the less-than-toothsome inhabitants of The Bowels.

          BAILEY
Just because a jury found these people not guilty, doesn’t mean that they were innocent.  I walk among them with impunity because they owe me their lives.  But the fact is Miss Durant, they don’t owe you shit.

Bailey is off again. 

          ABBY
Well at least give me a chance to apologize.

Abby follows him off screen.

          BAILEY (O/S)
For calling me ancient, or a smelly gas bag.

          ABBY (O/S)
I was completely out of line with all of it, except maybe the smelly part.

          BAILEY (O/S)
Apology accepted, but you’re still getting the lumpier bed.

EXT. VELSAT CITY – DAY

An aerial shot of the city.  It is what modern cities of the future are optimistically depicted looking like on Earth.  Clean, with parks and trees and no smokestacks. 

We zoom in until we come to a beautiful neighborhood.  There is a crowd of very angry, but still very pretty, Velsats outside a house.  They are being held back by armed guards.  This in the one imperfect spot in a city of millions.

INT. TRAGBARS’S HOUSE – DAY

The living room looks like it was fashioned by an alien Martha Stewart.  Apart from the blood stains on the floor, the whole room is the epitome of taste.  It’s hard to imagine Tragbar living in such a refined home.

We hear chanting coming from a short distance away.  Bailey is standing in the middle of the room with his hands in his pockets assessing the scene of the crime.  Abby is a little distracted.  Sedgewick is also in the room with Alton, his young clerk from the planet Planeia.  Unlike Sedgewick, who’s a wreck, Alton is calm and collected and gorgeous.  Unlike the Velsats who are femininely pretty, Alton is ruggedly handsome.  A GQ model.  He is also incredibly charming but has one flaw that all Planeians are cursed with. 

          ABBY
What’s that funny smell?

          BAILEY
I’m afraid it’s not me this time, it’s what the Velsats breathe.

          ALTON
There’s slightly more methane in the atmosphere here than on your Earth.  My name is Alton, by the way.

Alton extends his hand.  Abby is visibly taken by the handsome alien.  She smiles and tries not to blush.  But she doesn’t know about the flaw yet.

          ABBY
Abby. 

Bailey becomes slightly irritated that flirting is interrupting the proceedings.

          BAILEY
Miss Durant, if your nipples get any more erect, you’re going to you’re going to poke somebody’s eye out.  Could we please get on with the case?

Abby becomes exceedingly flustered and annoyed.

          SEDGEWICK
I don’t see what case there is to be getting on with.  The police came in and this creature was standing over the victims with bits of them stuck between his teeth.

          BAILEY
His name is Tragbar and the very fact that he was standing there makes the whole thing suspicious.

          SEDGEWICK
Give it up. 
  (indicating outside)
You hear that?  We’ll be lucky to get out of here alive. 

Sedgewich wipes his brow of nerve-sweat while Bailey delights in ignoring him.

          BAILEY
What did he do when the police came in?

          ABBY (still miffed)
Why don’t you try reading some of this stuff yourself, Mr. Lawyer?

          BAILEY
Indulge an old man.  I like to hear it said out loud so I can soak it in.

          SEDGEWICK (semi-sotto)
You’ve soaked far too much in over the years Bailey.  That may be your problem.

          BAILEY
I’m old but I’m not deaf.  Now quiet.  Real law is being practiced here.  Go ahead.

          ABBY
He was standing about here.  I hope I’m not going too fast for you.

          BAILEY
I’ll tell you if that happens.  Continue.

Abby moves to the location to demonstrate.

          ABBY
He was breathing heavily.

          BAILEY
And the police just overpowered him.

The shouting outside gets louder and angrier.

          SEDGEWICK
For Christ sakes hurry up!

          BAILEY
A man weighing 280 pounds with lightning reflexes and skull crushing strength is overpowered by a couple of Velsat girls with penises.  Very curious.

A large projectile shatters the living room window.  Sedgewick dives behind the couch.  Alton rushes over and tries to protect Abby from the flying glass with his body.  Bailey is hit with a few shards but they do not seem to phase him.  He is deep in thought.  There’s a little bit of blood on his forehead.

          BAILEY
Well, I’ve seen enough.  How about you Sedgewick?

EXT. SPACE - SHUTTLE (OPTICAL)

The craft has left Velsat’s atmosphere and is now heading back to the Justice which is visible in the distance.

          ABBY (O/S)
I’d like to thank you for protecting me back there.

INT. SHUTTLE – DAY

Abby is sitting next to the resplendent Alton.  She’s obviously smitten by this gallant piece of beefcake.

          ALTON
You might as well thank me for breathing or eating.  Under the circumstances, it was all I could do.

          ABBY
Well, I’m very appreciative anyway. 
  (trying to be casual)
Perhaps you’d allow me to buy you a drink as a way of saying thank you.

          ALTON
I would be delighted to have a drink with you, but it would have to be my treat.  I apologize. I realize how sexist that must seem to you, being from Earth, but as a Planiean, I’d be too distraught to enjoy myself.  You are offering me the priceless gift of your company.  My culture demands that I must at least make a token gesture of reciprocation.

Abby beams like a besotted schoolgirl.

INT. BAILEY’S OFFICE – DAY

Abby stands in front of a full length mirror.  She is dressed to kill and has the ammo underneath that dress to back it up.  Bailey walks into the room and collapses into his chair.  He takes a generous sip of his drink and gives her the once over.

          ABBY
Go away.  I’m still completely furious at you.

          BAILEY
And it won’t be the last time.  

          ABBY
How you don’t get every defendant instantly executed with that insulting, pompous manner of yours in beyond me.

          BAILEY (smiles warmly)
You’re going to need an armed guard to get you out of the Bowels dressed like that.

          ABBY
If you refuse to leave, at least make yourself useful.  What is Alton really like?

          BAILEY
Planieans are what they appear to be.  They are incredibly smart, handsome, gallant, brave, generous and supposedly, incredibly well hung.

Abby turns and stares at him disapprovingly.

          BAILEY
They can make love for hours if you’re into that sort of thing.

          ABBY
It’s none of your business if I’m into that sort of thing.

          BAILEY
Most women enjoy to be treated like a queen and the faint inducing orgasms are a plus but Planieans have virtually no sense of humor and only women from very conservative upbringings can tolerate them for the long haul.

INT. JUSTICE RESTAURANT – DAY

It looks very expensive.  Modern but with a classic feel.  Aliens and humans alike are dressed to the hilt. 

Abby and Alton are already seated and staring at each other over their drinks. 

          ALTON
Are you sure you wouldn’t prefer to work for someone a little less controversial.  Mr. Bailey only takes the worst cases.  He’s had numerous attempts on his life.

          ABBY
I must admit, he’s a little strange...and pig ignorant, but what choice do I have?  There aren’t any other legal jobs on board.  I know, I’ve been checking them out every hour since I met him.

Alton smiles and looks deep into her eyes.  Abby tries very hard not to melt underneath the table.

          ALTON
I would consider it an honor if you allow me to support you while you waited for a more suitable position to become available.  I would wish absolutely nothing in return except your safety. 

Abby reaches over the table and touches Alton’s hand.

          ABBY
You maybe the most perfect man I have ever met. 
  (swoony beat)
I’d like to tell you a little story.

INT. JUSTICE PRISON CELL VIEWING ROOM – NIGHT

Bailey stands smoking a cigar, looking at his defendant bound and sleeping.  He holds up a picture in his hand.  It’s of Tragbar and his family in happier times.

Bailey looks at it and back at Tragbar and shakes his head.

INT. JUSTICE RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Abby has her two hands cupped in front of her.  She is in mid-joke and heading for the punch line.  Alton is staring into her eyes like she’s the most beautiful, enchanting woman in the galaxy.

          ABBY
And the woman says, “You’re husband’s testicles are that big?”  And the other woman says, “No they’re that dirty.”

          ALTON
That’s fascinating.

          ABBY (crestfallen)
Oh shit.

INT. THE BOWELS – NIGHT

Abby and Alton stand in front of Bailey’s door.

          ABBY
It was very sweet to walk me to the door but you’re in danger down here.

          ALTON
What kind of a person would I be if I allowed myself to put my own safety above your own?

          ABBY
Gosh you’re wonderful.

          ALTON
Do you think we could have dinner again soon?

          ABBY
I’m broken hearted to say this...I don’t think so. 
  (beat)
But why don’t you give me your biggest, dirtiest kiss goodnight, anyway.

Abby stands on her tip-toes and practically sucks Alton into her mouth.  Alton jumps into action.  By Abby’s reaction, Bailey was not exaggerating about the Planiean woman-pleasing abilities.  They look like they might do it right there on the catwalk.

Spackle comes out the front door.  He jumps up and down excitedly with his hand in the air.

          SPACKLE
Oooooh.  Spackle next!  Spackle next!

INT. JUSTICE COURTROOM – DAY

Bailey leans over to Abby sitting next to him.

          BAILEY
How was your date with loverboy last night?

          ABBY
He was gorgeous, attentive, sweet, charming...
   (sadly)
And he wouldn’t know funny if it bit him in the ass.

          BAILEY
I did warn you.  I’m funny as hell but not gorgeous, attentive, sweet or charming.  We all have our cross to bear.

Abby looks over and Alton gives her a friendly smile and a wave from the prosecution table.

Sedgewick is up at the witness box interviewing a pretty man in uniform.

          SEDGEWICK
So tell me doctor, what did you find when you examined the defendant?

          VELSAT DOCTOR
The blood he was covered in matched the blood of the victims perfectly.  There is no doubt that it was theirs.

          SEDGEWICK
Anything else?

          VELSAT DOCTOR
Yes...
  (the doctor grimaces for effect)
We found bits of flesh, also matching the victims, stuck between the teeth of the defendant.

There are a few gasps in the audience.  Judge Mog bangs his gavel and looks reproachfully at them from beneath his hood.

          SEDGEWICK
The defense might try to argue that this poor creature...I’m sorry defendant...
         
          JUDGE
That will be quite enough of that, Mr. Sedgewick.

          SEDGEWICK
My apologies, Judge.  They might try to argue that he was unconscious during the crime.

          VELSAT DOCTOR
I find that highly unlikely.  There were no traces of any type of drug in his system and no head trauma. 

Sedgweick looks very pleased with himself.

          SEDGEWICK
Thank you, doctor.  You’ve been most enlightening.

Bailey gets to his feet awkwardly as Sedgewick makes his way back to the prosecution table.  Bailey pauses for effect and takes in a big chest full of air.

          BAILEY
Tell me doctor, did you examine the contents of Tragbar’s stomach?

          VELSAT DOCTOR
No, I didn’t.

          BAILEY
But you did check what was between his teeth.

          VELSAT DOCTOR
That is correct.

          BAILEY
Not all of the missing flesh from the victims was stuck between his teeth, surely.

          VELSAT DOCTOR
No. No of course not. But it was the victims’ flesh.  I don’t understand what you’re implying.

          BAILEY
I’m implying that thanks to you, we have no way of knowing if he swallowed those missing pieces.  And if he didn’t swallow those pieces where are they?

          VELSAT DOCTOR
I think it’s pretty obvious...

          BAILEY
35 years of practicing law has taught me that nothing is obvious, doctor.  So now that we’ve established we don’t know where the missing remains of the victims ended up, perhaps you can tell me about the blood.

          VELSAT DOCTOR
I’ve already testified that the blood on the accused was definitely the blood of the victims.

          BAILEY
It’s not the ownership of the blood I’m interested in.  It’s the amount.

          VELSAT DOCTOR
Pardon?

          BAILEY
It’s quite simple.  When you accounted for all the blood on the floor, on the accused and still in the victims’ bodies, exactly how much was at the crime scene?

          VELSAT DOCTOR
I didn’t do a test for volume.  Why would I?  He was covered in it.  Their blood.

          BAILEY
You run a scan and tell me to the micron how much blood was in that room, is that not true?

          VELSAT DOCTOR
Yes...

          BAILEY
So if you had that figure and it didn’t add up to how much would be normally found in their bodies then logically there must be some missing.

          VELSAT DOCTOR
But where would it be, if it wasn’t in that room?

          BAILEY
On the hands and clothing of the real murderer, my dear doctor.  But because of your negligence, we don’t know if all the victims’ flesh and blood remained in that room.  And if it’s not there, then there is an enormous possibility that someone else is responsible for this hideous crime.

          VELSAT DOCTOR
It’s possible...but certainly not...

          BAILEY
Thank you, doctor.  That will be all.

The Judge looks at his watch. 

          JUDGE MOG
The time being close to 3:30 PM, we will adjourn until tomorrow morning. 

          BAILIFF
All rise. 

Everyone does.  Falon, in the audience does not look pleased.

Abby looks at Bailey in a new light.  She’s very impressed.

          ABBY
You did very well.

          BAILEY
I planted small doubts.  I shall need more than that.  How do you explain away him just standing there covered in blood?

Abby looks over at Tragbar and notices something.

          ABBY
What’s that thing on Tragbar’s neck?

          BAILEY
It’s a filter.  The atmosphere on Pesok has a lot more...

Something hits Bailey like a thunderbolt.

          BAILEY
That’s it!  It’s so obvious.  He’s not from Velsat.

          ABBY (snottily)
Is that something else you didn’t read in the legal brief?

          BAILEY (ignoring her)
We have to go somewhere immediately.
  (beat)
Oh, how much money do you have on you?

INT. VERTICAL TUBE – NIGHT

A vertical tube with a ladder in it.  We hear footsteps clang on the metal rungs.  Bailey’s foot and pant-leg come into view as he descends.  Abby follows him down.

          ABBY
Why do we have to do this tonight?

          BAILEY
Because I need it tomorrow.

          ABBY
For God’s sake, don’t look up my dress.

          BAILEY
I’m sorry, too late.  I inadvertently looked up.  But if it’s any consolation, I’m so old, even your lack of underwear did not excite me.

          ABBY
That’s not much of a consolation, no.

INT. HORIZONTAL TUNNEL – NIGHT

Abby and Bailey crawl on their hands and knees.  The tunnel looks about 10 miles long with no end in sight.

          ABBY
There’s got to be an easier way to get to this place.

          BAILEY
There is, I just don’t want anybody to know we’re going there.

INT. JUDGE’S CHAMBERS – NIGHT

Falon, Sedgewick and the Judge look down upon Velsat from a huge viewing screen.

          FALON
That Bailey fellow, he did well today.

          JUDGE MOG
Minor victories, your Excellency.  The jury doesn’t really hear what Bailey is saying.  It is drowned out by what they see in front of them.

          SEDGEWICK
And once they see the pictures tomorrow of that poor woman and her child.  The pictures of him soaked in blood...It won’t matter what Bailey says.

          FALON
I hope you are right gentlemen.  There is no room for error in this case.  Velsat’s future depends on a guilty verdict.

          JUDGE MOG
I shall order the guards to double the straps on our ferocious friend and move him closer to the jury box.  Their own fear of the Pesok will convict him.

Falon smiles.  Sedgewick smiles because Falon is smiling.

INT. ENGINE CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

It’s a room full of electronic equipment.  Lights and switches fill the walls.  One panel has been removed and a small, middle-aged woman from Far Makon is doing some sort of test on the circuit boards beneath it.  She looks mostly human but he has exceedingly long, delicate fingers.

The big metal door to the cramped room bursts open and in steps Bailey with a smile as big as his gut.

          BAILEY
Harrow, my dear old girl, I need you to do a job for me.

Harrow does not look that pleased to see Bailey.

          HARROW
It’s been two Goddamn months, Bailey.

          BAILEY
It seems like an eternity to me too.

          HARROW
I’m busy.  Eat shit and go away.

          BAILEY
Now don’t be like that.  I have real money this time.
  (to Abby)
Show our friend the real money I have, Miss Durant.

          HARROW
I want the money and sex.

Abby is somewhat stunned by this announcement.

          BAILEY
I’d love to ordinarily, but time pressures being what they are...

          HARROW
It’s been two months and I want sex.  Do you want this thing built or not?

Harrow flips a switch and a Murphy Bed falls from the wall with a clang.  Bailey pauses for a beat and then begins to undue his jacket.

          BAILEY
Very well.  The things one must do for one’s client.

Harrow starts to remove her overalls.

          HARROW
And I want some decent foreplay this time.  Not just get in me and get out.

          ABBY (embarrassed)
I guess I should probably wait outside.

          HARROW
  (down to her underwear)
Suit yourself honey.  Your welcome to watch but I warn you, his big hairy ass ain’t much too look at.

Abby is out the door in an instant.

EXT. ENGINE CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

Abby smiles naughtily.  Then puts her ear up against the door.

          HARROW (OS)
Lower and slower!  Jesus, have you ever done this before?

INT. JUSTICE COURTROOM – DAY

The proceedings continue.  Tragbar is now strapped in like Hannibal Lechter and so close to the Jury that he can practically breathe on them.  This does not go unnoticed by Bailey.  Sedgewick is cross-examining a very pretty policeman.

          SEDGEWICK
What alerted you to the fact that something might be wrong at the address in question?

          VELSAT COP
We got a call that there was a disturbance at approximately 12:30.  We then arrived at the house at 12:42.
         
          SEDGEWICK
And when you entered the house, what did you see.

          VELSAT COP
I saw the defendant standing over the two victims, soaked in blood.

          SEDGEWICK
Any sign of other people about?

          VELSAT COP
No.

          SEDGEWICK
Then what happened?

          VELSAT COP
We overpowered him and took him to the detention center.

          SEDGEWICK
Thank you.  Your witness, Mr. Bailey.

Bailey is already up and halfway to the witness before Sedgewick has even finished his sentence.

          BAILEY
You overpowered him?

Bailey points to the enormous Pesok and then looks back at the delicate, 100 pound, Velsat Cop.  The jury and audience begin to giggle.  The judge taps his gavel.

          BAILEY
My, you and your colleague must have taken your vitamins that morning.

A few more giggles.  Then Bailey’s demeanor becomes far more serious.

          BAILEY
Who made that call, officer?

          VELSAT COP
We do not know at this time.

          BAILEY
You do not know?  But you do know it wasn’t a neighbor?

          VELSAT COP
Not one that would admit it.  But you could understand their fear of revealing their name.

The cop indicates Tragbar who emits a low growl.  The jury looks even more worried.

          BAILEY
But a pretty sophisticated set up would be needed to make an untraceable call.  It’s not something you could just whip up when you heard the neighbors having a bit of a tiff.

          VELSAT COP
I wouldn’t know sir.  That’s beyond my area of expertise. 

          BAILEY
I’m sure it is officer.  So let’s move on to something that might be a little simpler for you.  What was my client doing when you entered the premises?

          VALSAT COP
He was just standing there.  Staring at his victims.

          BAILEY
That seems like very odd behavior.

          VELSAT COP (shrugs)
Perhaps he was in shock because of what he’d done?

          BAILEY
But through this whole trial my client has been a pitiless, soulless barbarian.  He’s scaring the breakfast out of the jury at this very moment...

          JUDGE MOG
Mr. Bailey.

          BAILEY
Sorry your honor, my observational skills got the better of me.  Now you wish the jury, who are inches from my client,
  (Bailey looks up at the Judge as he says this)
to believe that he couldn’t move because he was overcome with conscience?

          VELSAT COP
Who can tell what they’re thinking.  They’re killers.  Mercenaries.

          BAILEY
Objection.

          JUDGE MOG
Sustained.

          BAILEY
Why was he breathing so hard, you said he was just standing there?

          VELSAT COP
It’s common to hyperventilate in stressful situations.

          BAILEY
A killer, a mercenary.  Stressed by a little blood and two bodies.

          VELSAT DOCTOR
They were his family.

          BAILEY
Isn’t it just possible that the reason he was “just standing there” was because he’d just regained consciousness?

          JUDGE MOG
Mr. Bailey, the doctor has already testified that there were no drugs in his system.  No blow to the head...I don’t see how it’s possible.

          BAILEY
Oh, do you not, Judge?

          JUDGE MOG
Perhaps you have an idea and you’d like to enlighten the court?

Bailey pulls a small device out of his pocket.

          BAILEY
Couldn’t it have been done as simply as this?

Bailey pushes a button on the device.  Tragbar immediately reacts.  He thrashes about wildly for a couple of seconds and he’s completely unconscious.

The court is a twitter.  The judge bangs his gavel.  He is not pleased.  Guards run over to attend to Tragbar.

          JUDGE MOG
Mister Bailey!

Bailey pushes the button again and Tragbar starts to come round.  He is breathing heavy.

          BAILEY
Sorry, your honor. 

Bailey indicates the device and holds it up to the jury.

          BAILEY
It’s a simple little device.  I had it made overnight for very little “monetary” cost. 
   (Abby smiles)
You see members of the jury, Tragbar isn’t a native of Velsat.  He must wear a computerized filter on his neck at all times.  This little machine just turns that filter off, and it can be done from a hundred feet away. 

Bailey turns back to the cop with a vengeance.

          BAILEY
Isn’t it possible officer that the reason the defendant was just standing there panting in front of his dead family is that he’d just regained his ability to breathe?

          VELSTAT COP
 (beat)
It’s possible but...

          BAILEY
Thank you.  No further questions.

There is quite a commotion is the court.  The jury though, is still looking at Tragbar with fear.  Bailey sees this out of the corner of his eye as he’s heading back to his seat.

EXT. SPACE - THE JUSTICE (OPTICAL)

The ship circles the strife-ridden planet.

INT. BAILEY’S OFFICE - NIGHT

Bailey is sitting at his desk with a drink in his hand and a cheroot in the other.  The lights are low making the place look even more morose.

Abby stumbles out into the living area trying to see through the smoky gloom. 

          ABBY
We have a huge day tomorrow and you’re drinking at three thirty in the morning?

          BAILEY
I’m wondering if I’m doing the right thing.

          ABBY
You are having doubts?

          BAILEY
Even someone as self-deluded in his own grandeur as myself can sometimes see the path taken may be the wrong one.
  (beat)
Do you know how they execute people on Velsat?

          ABBY
No.

          BAILEY
It’s an ancient ceremony.  They remove small pieces of skin from you, every few minutes.  It takes the average person three days to die.  How long do you think it would take our noble savage?

Abby sits down and pours herself a drink.

          ABBY
But you did well today.  You established reasonable doubt.

          BAILEY
Juries are only people.  There were two simultaneous wife murdering cases back in the 21st Century.  One involved a man named Scott Peterson and the other a rascally actor named Robert Blake. 
There wasn’t any concrete evidence against either man.  There was far more circumstantial evidence against the rascally actor but they set him free.  But Scott Peterson was sentenced to death because people just didn’t like him. They viewed him as a “monster”.

Abby takes a big swig.

          ABBY
I think I hate this job.

          BAILEY
That’s because you’re a very sensible girl.  No, I’m afraid if we are to win this case, we may need a miracle.

          ABBY
You don’t seem like the kind of person who believes in miracles.

          BAILEY
I’m not.

EXT. SPACE – THE JUSTICE (OPTICAL)

The old crap bucket slowly creaks around Velsat.

INT. BAILEY’S OFFICE – NIGHT

Bailey is now asleep and snoring.  The last of his cheroot is smoldering in the ash tray.  Abby is still wide awake studying something on her virtual computer.  The look on her face indicates that she may have found what she’s after.  She peers over at Bailey but he is lost to the world. 

Abby touches a small box on the desk which makes her virtual computer disappear.  She thinks for a second and then marches off in search of something.

INT. SPACKLE’S CLOSET – NIGHT

It is complete black.

A door opens.  With the added light we see Spackle curled up in a large doggie basket.  He looks very content.  Abby’s hand reaches in from the doorway and gently shakes his shoulder.

Spackle’s eyes shoot open with alarm.

          SPACKLE
Yikes!!!

          ABBY
Shhhh.

          SPACKLE
  (smiling broadly)
Oh, pretty lady!  You and Spackle sex now?

INT. BAILEY’S OFFICE - NIGHT

Bailey is still asleep but he now has a blanket covering what it can of him.  There is a note propped up on the desk awaiting his return to consciousness.

INT. SPACE DOCK VIEWING ROOM – NIGHT

Abby rests her back on the viewing window.  She’s very tense. 

          SPACKLE
This help Boss?

Abby looks at her watch.  We see through the window behind her two very large aliens approaching the guards standing by the shuttle.

          ABBY
Only if we get down to Velsat and I’m right.  Are you sure that we’re going to be able to use the shuttle?

Spackle sees the aliens clobber the guards through the window.  Abby has her back to the action.

          SPACKLE
  (nodding his head vigorously)
Oh sure.  No problem.  Spackle get permission.

EXT. VELSAT BUSINESS AREA – DUSK

Spackle and Abby walk among the Velsats with the hoods of their togas up.  People still turn and look at them though.

          SPACKLE
Good job Spackle pretty.  Blend in.

                        ABBY
Are you sure this is going to work?

          SPACKLE
Oh sure.  Got money?

Abby holds out a big wad of cash.

          ABBY
This job is costing me more than I make.

          SPACKLE
Spackle make deal.  You got money.  Man in alley give papers.

          ABBY
What do we need them for?

She indicates the two large aliens following them who cold-cocked the Shuttle guards.  They are wearing Velsat togas but they’re also twice the size of anyone else on the street.

          SPACKLE
Them in case money not enough.

The very conspicuous group tries to walk between two buildings unnoticed.

INT. BAILEY’S OFFICE – DAY

It is morning, if there is such a thing in space.  A small alarm rings and startles Bailey awake in his chair.

Through his morning-after-haze, he spies a note propped up in front of him.

          BAILEY (reading)
Read something interesting about Velsat law.  I’ve gone down to the planet to check it out.
  (shock)
You what!!

Bailey jumps to his feet and staggers to the closet holding his head.

          BAILEY
Spackle, wake up!  We have an emergency!

Bailey swings the door open but the basket is empty.  He looks crestfallen.

          BAILEY
Who’s going to make my coffee?

INT. GOVERNMENT WAITING ROOM – DAY

Spackle and Abby sit nervously, waiting.  He picks up a magazine and looks at it but the writing might as well be Egyptian hieroglyphics.  He turns it around a couple of times but gives up and puts the magazine down.

          ABBY (sotto)
Now when the receptionist comes out, let me do the talking.

          SPACKLE
Sure. Sure.

          ABBY
Let me handle it.  You say nothing.

          SPACKLE
Spackle quiet like grave.

A woman comes out of an office and approaches them.

          VELSAT ASSISTANT
Miss, Durant?  Mr. Spackle?

          SPACKLE (huge smile)
Me Spackle.  You girlie!  Hi!

Spackle jumps up and holds out his hand.  The woman does not offer hers.  Abby is too horrified to do anything.

          VELSAT ASSISTANT
Your papers seem to be in order.

          SPACKLE
Everything on Spackle in order.  Want see?

The uncurious woman spins on her heal and walks away.

          VELSAT ASSISTANT
If you’ll follow me, the Emir will see you now.

Spackle and Abby follow her.

          SPACKLE
Good, good.  Spackle in hurry.  Nice butt you have, by way.

Abby gives Spackle a slight smack on the head.

          SPACKLE (to Abby)
What?

INT. JUSTICE DOCKING BAY

Bailey marches up to the foot of the craft indignantly.  Abby and crew are just disembarking.  Spackle sees Bailey and waves goofily.

          SPACKLE
Hey Boss.  Take trip...Back now.

          BAILEY
Miss Durant!  What the hell do you think you’re playing at?  Anything could have happened to you down there!

Abby shoves a disc into his hand.

          ABBY
I was getting this.  And if you’d have spent a little more time studying Velsat law instead of drinking, you would have known about it.

          BAILEY
What is it?

          ABBY
Read it!  It’s four Goddamn words!

Bailey quickly reviews what he’s got in his hand.

          BAILEY
This is...it might work!  I just may forgive you.

Bailey swivels and starts to walk away from her.

          BAILEY
Quickly Miss Durant, I have a lot of preparing to do.

Abby holds up a folder.

          ABBY
Wait!  I also got these, oh unbelievably grateful one.

          BAILEY (OS)
Then by all mean, bring them along.

Abby rolls her eyes and follows him off screen.

          ABBY (OS)
I had to lay out a lot of money to get this stuff.

          BAILEY (OS)
Of course you did.  Invoice me.  I’ll see what I can do.

INT. JUSTICE COURTROOM – DAY

The trial continues.  Bailey is in the middle of cross-examining Falon.  His Excellency does not look particularly happy to be there.  Bailey looks a little more confident now.

          BAILEY
This marriage was extremely unpopular with the masses before this tragedy, was it not?

          FALON
People were afraid that this union had the potential to end as it did.

          BAILEY
Oh really? 

Bailey holds up a file of papers.

          BAILEY
These death threats the family received don’t sound like your fine citizenry was worried for anyone’s safety.  In fact, quite the opposite.

          FALON (very concerned)
Where did you get those?

          BAILEY
I should have gotten them from you.
  (indicating file)
This is evidence.  Death threats.  A murder trial.  Don’t you think they might be relevant?

          FALON
The people who wrote those letters weren’t standing over her body covered in blood.

          BAILEY
Objection!

          JUDGE MOG
Sustained.

          BAILEY
There are also several bills being passed through the Velsat Parliament right now banning this sort of unclean union from ever happening again.

          FALON
We are a democracy.  We must bow to the will of the people.

          BAILEY
It’s so wonderful of your people to get the ball rolling before they even know the full facts of the case!  Thank you, that will be all, your Excellency. 
  (turning to Judge Mog)
I’d like to enter these disagreeable missives into evidence and call my next witness...

Falon gets up slowly.  He glowers at Judge Mog and then steps out of the witness box.

          BAILEY
Doran, wife of Tragbar.

There is confusion in the court.  Tragbar seems very upset and confused.  He emits several growls of anger.

          JUDGE MOG
Are you playing one of your silly games, Mr. Bailey?

          BAILEY
Oh no, your honor.  I have far too much respect for this court to do that.

Bailey gives a signal and a large screen descends from the ceiling.

          BAILEY
We’ve heard so much about the character, or lack of it, of my client.  I would like to call upon the person who knew him better than anyone, to give the jury an idea of how she saw the man she loved. 
   (Bailey addresses the jury)
During one of our long study sessions of the case material, my assistant found discovered an interesting Velsat law.  Since Tragbar was an alien, Doran was required to attend an application interview before she could marry him. 
  (Bailey glowers at Falon)
Yet more evidence buried by the democratic government of Velsat.

The lights dim a little and a nervous Doran appears on the screen.  She is sitting across from a stern looking government official.

          VELSAT OFFICIAL
I must admit that I, and indeed all of my government colleagues, are very concerned about your application.

          DORAN
But, Tragbar has no criminal record.  His papers are in order.  There is no law against us being wed.

          VELSAT OFFICIAL
No there isn’t but, well the Pesok are a brutal and uncouth race.

As Doran starts to speak about Tragbar, her eyes betray the overwhelming feelings she has for him.

          DORAN
But that’s only how they appear.  I was terrified of them at first too, but I found for all their brute strength, there is also an incredible gentleness.  They make ugly noises to express the most beautiful thoughts.  The first time Tragbar touched my face, I didn’t see a creature anymore.  I saw my soul mate, my one love, my life’s purpose.  When he holds me in his arms, it’s as if it breaks his heart to let me go.  When he kisses me there is simply nothing else.  There is only him.  Should the law forbid our union, I would follow him down to the pits of hell because I know that would be a better place than the heart of paradise without him. 

The video freezes and the lights come up.

          BAILEY
And that my dear jury, when you strip away this insignificant physical fa├žade, is who my client really is.

Bailey sits down, emotionally spent.  The jury looks over at Tragbar with his head down.  He breathes roughly as though all his will is being funneled into not being consumed with grief.

Abby puts her hand on Bailey’s arm.  He smiles wanly at her.

FADE TO BLACK

INT. JUSTICE COURTROOM – DAY

Sedgewick is finishing up his summation.

          SEDGEWICK
Oh, the defense will try and weave a fanciful tail of conspiracy and intolerance, but it does not alter the facts.  That “man” was discovered two feet from the victims’ bodies, covered in blood.  Pieces of their dismembered flesh between his teeth!  I submit to you, that the only verdict possible in this case, is guilty.

Sedgewick makes his way back to his seat while Bailey slowly rises.  He smiles at the jury.

          BAILEY
On the surface, Velsat may well be the perfect world.  Its people are, without exception, hypnotically beautiful.  They’re vegetarians with perfect manners and grace.  There’s practically no crime.  A veritable Garden of Eden to borrow from an Earthly belief.  But living in this perfect world has made its people soft.  Far too delicate to mine their own Beryllium ore which fuels their economy.  So they’re forced to employ more rudimentary races to perform such a menial task.  And that is where the trouble started. What happened was such an unfathomable occurrence, it was never even considered a possibility so there were no laws to prevent it.

Bailey leans on the jury box railing for added drama.
         
          BAILEY
Doran, while working as a nurse at that mine, fell in love with an abomination. 

Bailey points directly at Tragbar.

          BAILEY
A meat-eating, ugly, unspeakable monster.  

Bailey stands in front of Tragbar so that all the eyes in the courtroom are on him.

          BAILEY
That’s how the gracious, magnanimous people of Velsat viewed him.  But not Doran.  She saw past his ghastly exterior.  To her, he wasn’t a monster.  He was a loving, devoted husband.  A caring, tender father and no amount of subtle government prodding or a mother’s nagging or daily hate mail could persuade her otherwise.  And for that she had to die! 

Bailey builds up steam.

          BAILEY
And my client had to be blamed for the grisly crime so this kind of esthetical blasphemy could never happen again! 

Bailey slowly turns back to the jury and addresses them with a calmer, sadder tone.

          BAILEY
So they turned off his filter, savagely murdered a family he loved beyond calculation, placed pieces of their dismembered bodies between his teeth and left.  Then a call was made to the police and his filter was turned back on so he would just be gaining consciousness when they burst through the door.  Do I know what kind of barbarians would do such a thing?

Bailey stares directly at Falon in the audience.

          BAILEY
No.  No I don’t.  But sadly, there are literally millions of people who could have...and would have loved to have done this.  Not guilty, ladies and gentlemen of the jury.  Don’t let my client’s looks be responsible for another tragic murder.

Bailey turns back to his seat.  The jury looks at Tragbar in a significantly different light.

INT. THE JUSTICE COURT LOUNGE – DAY

The room is futuristic but dowdy.  The furniture was modern 35 years ago but is now showing a little wear.

A robotic table delivers a cup of coffee to a weary looking Bailey.  He takes a small flask out of his pocket and tops the steaming brew off with a little mood lightener.  This does not go unnoticed by the outraged Sedgewick.

          SEDGEWICK
You’re not drinking, are you?

          BAILEY
I may have just committed someone to be flayed alive.  Pardon me for being a little nervous.

Sedgewick storms off to another part of the room.  An exceedingly stressed Abby looks like she’s about to burst into tears.

          ABBY
This is awful.

          BAILEY
And it will not get any better, no matter how long you do this.

Alton enters the room.

          ALTON
The jury is ready with the verdict.

INT. JUSTICE COURTROOM – DAY

All eyes are on the jury.  There isn’t a smile anywhere. 

          JUDGE MOG
Members of the jury, how do you find the defendant?  Guilty or not guilty?

The Alien at the far left rises.

          JURY FOREMAN
We the jury, find the defendant not guilty, your honor.

A gasp goes up in the room.  Abby jumps up and hugs Bailey.  Sedgewick looks like he’s about to throw up.  The judge just shakes his head in disbelief.

Falon stands, furious.

          FALON
This is an outrage!

The judge bangs his gavel and attempts to regain order.

          JUDGE MOG
Order!  Please! 

Falon storms out.  Bailey goes over to the guard next to Tragbar.

          BAILEY
He’s not guilty, or didn’t you hear?  For God’s sake, release him!

The guard hesitates for a second and then pushes a button that releases all the straps at once.

The jury et al take a step back and wait to see what will happen now that the beast has been freed.

Tragbar holds out an unsure hand.    

          TRAGBAR (haltingly)
Thank you, Bailey.

Bailey smiles and shakes his hand vigorously.

          BAILEY
Delighted to do it.  Congratulations.

          TRAGBAR
I can join my family now.

Before anyone realizes what is happening, Tragbar grabs the guard’s weapon and blows his own head off.

Screams.  Pandemonium.  Bailey looks on stunned.

EXT. SPACE – THE JUSTICE (OPTICAL)

The corpulent craft slowly pulls away from its orbit around Velsat.

INT. BAILEY’S BAR – NIGHT

People are looking at a monitor over the bar.  The news from Velsat is being reported.  On screen it is night time.  There are mass riots and random destruction.  Fires dot the landscape.

          NEWS REPORTER (V/O)
Over 15,000 deaths have been reported on Velsat since the “Not Guilty” verdict was announced.  It has been an unprecedented day of unprecedented violence.  Several high ranking members of the government have resigned and a movement is afoot to possibly sever ties with the Commonwealth.

The camera pulls out from the monitor and pans the bar to find the victors moping in a dark corner of the bar.  Bailey sits staring at the drink in his hand.  Abby has had a couple herself.  She bravely tries to hold back from crying in front of Bailey.

          ABBY
So it was all for nothing.

          BAILEY
No.  It meant something to Tragbar.  He could have killed himself at any time.  When captured, the Pesok commit suicide by crushing their windpipe with their own hand.  They do not lack the courage to die. 

          ABBY
Then why go through all of this?

          BAILEY
I don’t think Tragbar could stand the thought of living without the family he loved so much.  He just needed someone to know that he would never have harmed his wife and child first.

Bailey raises his glass.

          BAILEY
To love.  To honor.  To Tragbar.

They both swig a strong one down.

Alton come into the bar.  Abby sees Mr. Beefcake and sighs. 

          BAILEY
Quite the dream boat, isn’t he?

          ABBY
Can you teach somebody to have a sense of humor?

          BAILEY (shrugs)
I’ve been trying to teach Sedgewick a little humor for years.

That pretty well answers that question.

Alton sees them and approaches the table.

          ALTON
Abby, I need to talk to you.

          ABBY
Is it to tell me a joke?

          ALTON
No, but it’s important.

Abby sighs again then lurches to her feet.

          ABBY
Very well.
  (to Bailey)
Order us a couple more free drinks.

          BAILEY (saluting)
Will do.

Alton leads her over to a private corner.

          ALTON
I think you’re going to be pleased.  I pulled a few strings and there’s a position open for you in Contracts.  You wouldn’t have to live down here and it’s twice the pay.

Abby looks over at Bailey at the table.  He has fallen asleep in his chair.  He’s been joined by Spackle, who can always smell a free drink.  A small smile creases her face.

          ABBY
No, I think I’m going to stay where I am.  The galaxy needs a man like Bailey.  And in way, I think he needs me.

Spackle deftly sneaks the drink out of Bailey’s hand and downs it.


EXT. SPACE – THE JUSTICE (OPTICAL)

The lonely, unwanted craft goes off in search of other planets and other crimes to adjudicate.
FADE TO BLACK